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  • Writer's pictureClaire A

Fuck, Marry, Kill: Breweries, Wine Bars, Speak Easies

Hi all-

I am not sure which I hate the most; a wine bar, a brewery, or a speakeasy. A lot of my friends call me a lover, and I think I am when it comes to people (perhaps because I’m a pushover a little, but honestly that’s a great quality, right? I’m not in therapy right now idk.) but I have no problem shitting all over establishments. There’s a lot of safety in hating on a physical building that will not be mean to you back. And you know what? All three of these places have been extremely cruel to my wallet anyway so it doesn’t even matter.


Kill: Breweries; I hate them so much. They don’t sell strong enough alcohol to make me comfortable in an enviroment so many people bring their babies and dogs to. They make their beer in house, which is great if you’re interested in what the first draft of Bud Light tasted like. Did you know that they also use breweries for emergency surgery? They don’t, but that would be the only reason to me why all the fucking lights are on inside them. I feel like the inventor of breweries were like “what if we invented a bar with the littlest possible sex appeal in every way whilst triggering anyone who was ever bullied in a high school cafeteria” I’m just confused. What’s your objective of selling beer in this place?


Fuck: Wine bars; I have a little more tolerance for. They are the more library-like sibling of breweries who I still can not stand. There aren’t ever babies or dogs here, but there is always a bartender who knows so much about wine that will make you feel anxious if you studied enough before you came. There’s definitely a lot of sex appeal with wine bars, but the whole time you’re hooking up you’re just going to be insecure about how you chose a horrible cheese pairing for your montelpuciano.


Marry, begrudgingly: Speakeasies; What is your selling point if you’re simply a bar that is harder to escape if there’s a fire? Who is this for? I’ll tell you- people in the 1920s. The entrance is always cool and fun- I’ll give it that. But once you get in, you’re just in a bar with a bunch of brains who also are confused why this is a good idea if alcohol is legal. I believe that in order to be a speakeasy, there has to be a simulated cop break in every 15 minutes like how the rainforest cafe has a fake rainstorm all the time. That will really set the mood. Speakeasies win though because you can get a martini there. And that’s all I want really.


In my opinion the best bar though is the bar at Fette Sau which I will be chillin at tonight with some of the coolest comics in the world, please come for our super hot lineup!!!!!!



-Claire bear <3

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This week's lineup features:


RACHEL MCCARTNEY, @rachelmcomedy, New York Comedy Club

AMAMAH SARDAR, @amamahsardar, New York Comedy Festival, Bushwick Film Festival

EVA EVANS, @evaevanscomedy, Netflix, BET, BuzzFeed

JULIA DESMOND, @julia_desmond, Acme Revue

RACHEL WILLIAMS, @wachelrilliams, LMAOnlyFans

JOE NUNNINK, @nunnigram, New York Comedy Festival

And your host, Claire Alexander, @clairebearpears, Reductress, The Dump

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