top of page
  • Writer's pictureClaire A

I don’t normally believe in conspiracy theories but I think I just invented a good one


Happy 4:30 pm (I’m hoping to send this email by then)

I went to the tenement museum last week has anyone been? If you live in a pre-war building in nyc you don’t actually have to go to this museum. (I am just kidding it was really cool mom and dad, come back soon)

I kind of hate learning about old old history like 1800’s stuff because it’s all written by rich guys and I hate listening to rich men unless I’m sitting in front of them eating a steak that I’m not paying for. I would even take notes.

But at the museum we visited a bar from the 1800’s that only served beer, and I learned in that time, that there were liquor places that only served liquor, and the whole hang basically was that was your entire night. No second locations. I had always imagined based on drinking songs, and historical writings that those dudes partied just as hard as us. It had never occurred to me that people weren’t even doing bar crawls all the time, let alone making the group only stick to one type of alcohol. How did you guys even drink till you throw up then? Which has brought me to a new conclusion: I think these founding father ass men were actually total dopey posers.

If you ask me, all those drinking songs and stories about Ben Franklin being an absolute player that are written about in textbooks could just be basically the historical version of that first night in Superbad where they lie and say “oh yeah the party was so crazy and there were all these hot chicks there.” My theory is maybe, that when they were writing American history, they were like “why not also throw in that we’re totally cool guys.” And you might say “oh but didn’t Ben Franklin die of Syphillis?” and sure, maybe he did (I looked it up I couldn’t find an answer) but I got chlamydia in college and I was a musical theatre ass loser too okay! Little known fact: you really really don’t have to be cool to get an std, trust me.

Also- I must mention- in this time, the women were not really going to the bars. They would get to go on sundays during the day with the kids to drink beer all day, but I don’t think that’s cool either (see my previous newsletter about bringing your gosh darn kids to a brewery) So basically…these guys were going to bars with their boys….with no women at them…which to me is just like…sitting at home and playing minecraft online all afternoon. And you were treating your wives like crap? You guys are totally lame.

Anyway, whatever the truth is, (which I’m sure I’m right because we literally have edm and molly and those guys didn’t even have good weed) I’m just happy that the bathrooms I use are all inside, and I can comfortably sit on the toilet and online date.

Anyway, hear ye hear ye, tonight’s show is the main reason I’m glad I’m alive in this era, so please oh please come check it out, we have yet another lineup of some of my favorite comedians in town and I can’t wait to share them with you!

Lots of love,

Claire


P.s. PLEASE ignore the historical inaccuracy of this email, if there is any. I started writing it an hour ago and my research was minimal, but my heart is in the right place and I think it’s  been long enough that we’re allowed to shit on guys from 200/300 years ago.

P.s.s. I have anxiety so I want to say this is all a joke and don’t cancel me for starting an actual conspiracy, I just want to start a little fake rumor. Unless you agree with me, and in that case, come to the show and lets hang out.

_____________

This week's lineup features:

JENAE BOSTON

BRITTANY CARDWELL

PAMELA ROSS

YOSHIKO WATSON

RACHEL LANDER


And your host, Claire Alexander, @clairebearpears, Reductress, The Hard Times, The Dump

6 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Comentários


bottom of page